Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The uberlube is also flammable
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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