I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
