3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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