Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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