Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
Randomize
