uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
