Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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