Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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