I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
