mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
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