He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
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