I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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