help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize