i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
