I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
