the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
