I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We talked him into tasing himself.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Randomize
