i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize