I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
