I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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