Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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