I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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