I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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