he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize