I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
