Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Jerry, you need to find god
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize