In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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