haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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