All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
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