im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
