don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
