i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
