i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sorry about my life...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
