Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
