it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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