Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
