the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
