Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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