I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize