i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
