Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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