a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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