Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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