ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
