Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
