My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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