Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize