You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
