youre lurking in front of me
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
