Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
