apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
