I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize