That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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