One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
