I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
