i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
