I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
