He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
